In this guest post, Gitanjali More, mom of a little girl and the creator of The Confused Mother, reflects on her experience as an Indian mother in Germany and compares it with her home country.
Gitanjali helps international parents in Berlin understand parenting bureaucracy around Elterngeld, Kindergeld, etc. and then get back to work or find a new job with job coaching after their Elternzeit (parental leave).
Let's hear about her experience:
When I became a mother in Germany, I didn’t realise how different it would be compared to the experience in India. It was confusing and overwhelming even though I speak fluent German. I hear from most international parents that I speak to, that they face the same confusion, not just because of the language but also because things just work differently here and the information available out there isn’t so easy to understand.
But of course, in order to avail yourselves of all these services, you have to know they exist and then you have to apply for them, which is where most parents struggle. Understanding which forms you have to fill out, what other documents you need, what needs to be translated and so on.
While we did a lot of research on our own and talked to other parents, only after we were done, did I realize that we could have benefited by optimizing our Elterngeld and Elternzeit even more than we did.
This is why, in this blog post, I want to share some of the services I am grateful for in Germany, that I wouldn’t have as a new mother in India.
1. Pregnancy and postpartum support
In Germany, expectant mothers benefit from so many options for healthcare checkups to make sure their baby and they are well taken care of. Almost all the tests are optional, and parents can choose which they want to get. Prenatal care is highly emphasized, ensuring regular check-ups and guidance throughout pregnancy.
In India, access to quality prenatal care can be limited, especially in rural areas, where mothers only go to the hospital when they are in labor, which can lead to severe complications. In the cities, people usually go to private hospitals for checkups, which can become quite expensive. Only a small percentage of people can afford and have health insurance, which usually comes with high deductibles.
In Germany, you can also find out the gender of the baby during pregnancy, a practice which is forbidden by law in India to prevent female feticide. We made use of this option so that we could shop for the baby’s clothes and think of names beforehand!
When you have a baby in India, new mothers receive support from the other mothers in their family, who show them how to care for their babies. This offers new mothers community and closeness in the family with the possibility of asking questions and sharing experiences.
Of course, this is possible in Germany, but you can also get professional support from a midwife (or Hebamme), the costs for which are covered by health insurance. For someone like me, who doesn’t know much about German practices and what works here, this was quite useful.
I remember looking at a baby sleep sack and asking what it was and if I need it! Where I’m from in India, we didn’t have those growing up because it was always too warm.
The family centers or Familienzentrum offers a lot of free courses on baby massage and breastfeeding and are open to all members of the community. I learned about these too late, but when we started going there for playgroups, I saw a lot of mothers with their babies who were getting the help they needed. You can find many of the Familienzentren in Berlin on this map and go there to make new friends and find activities for your child.
2. Financial benefits for parents and children
I was so pleasantly surprised when I first heard about how much parental leave (Elternzeit) my husband and I were entitled to and decided that since I have the privilege, I will make full use of it.
In Germany, both parents can get a total of 14 months of basic parental benefits (Basiselterngeld) and if they divide it between them along with part time work like in the case of ElterngeldPlus or Partnerschaftsbonus, this period can be extended by some more months.
A common misunderstanding among new parents is that you can only get "paid Elternzeit," when in reality, you can get Elternzeit for much longer than you can get Elterngeld. Another misunderstanding is related to how much Elterngeld and Elternzeit the partner can take. In Germany the two extra months that both parents together can get commonly called the “partner months” leading them to believe that the partner can only get two months, when in fact the 14 months can be divided between both parents as they wish.
Another financial benefit that I would not have as a mother in India is Kindergeld, which is €250 per month per child until they become adults. This is a valuable addition to any family's budget and is meant to cover some basic living expenses of the child.
3. Work-Life Balance
Many parents who go back to work after parental leave do so in part-time so that they have time to manage their family life as well. Work-life balance is possible with remote and part-time jobs in Germany and also with the combination of Elterngeld and part-time Elternzeit that I mentioned above.
Germany's social infrastructure, including childcare facilities (Kita and Tagesmutter) is well-developed. Daycare in Berlin is highly subsidized. This support network ensures that mothers receive the assistance they need (although it can be hard to secure the initial spot in many big German cities).
In India, the social infrastructure varies widely, with urban areas offering more support compared to rural regions. Most families are still dependent on grandparents or nannies to help take care of their children.
In India, most mothers have to go back to work full-time and can only do so when they have support from nannies, grandparents or other relatives. Otherwise, they cannot return to work until their child starts daycare for the full day. This is why many Indian mothers choose to be full-time mothers if they can afford it.
4. Public Infrastructure In India, there are no changing tables in cafés and restaurants. Public spaces like sidewalks and parks are not equipped to handle strollers and even playgrounds are few.
Living in central Berlin, I am always grateful for the green spaces, parks, lakes and the Landwehrkanal. Petting zoos and farms are also a great way to expose city children to nature, animals and fresh air. We love exploring these when the weather is good. On cold and rainy days, we take advantage of the many indoor play areas and cafés with children’s corners.
In India, there are no changing tables in cafés and restaurants. Public spaces like sidewalks and parks are not equipped to handle strollers and even playgrounds are few. Most parents in Indian cities have to go to the mall or to the very crowded playgrounds and there are no changing tables or private areas for feeding. The way I grew up (playing in the streets and jumping around on rocks and over fields) doesn’t exist anymore.
5. Pre-loved and secondhand items for children
In the interest of sustainability, I buy almost everything for my daughter secondhand, either from online marketplaces or flea markets. It’s so easy to arrange for clothes because small children need a lot of them and are growing so fast, you keep needing new sizes! There is no stigma around it in Berlin, in fact, I feel that it is encouraged.
In India, most urban parents want to buy new clothes and toys. The culture for secondhand is only just developing now.
Being a mother is an exciting and overwhelming experience, more so when you do it in another country and in another language. But making use of all the support available to parents here in Germany can help lighten the load.
When I realized that a lot of parents don’t know about many of these benefits or don’t know how to avail of them due to lack of awareness or German language skills, I had the idea to help parents get access to these and maximize their benefits.
Thanks, Gitanjali for sharing!
Learn more about Gitanjali's offering, which include support with Elterngeld, Kindergeld and job coaching for parents, on The Confused Mother website.
