When home isn’t a single place but a blend of countries, cultures, and traditions, how do parents help their children feel rooted? This is the essence of raising third culture kids.
Today, we talk about this topic with Angela Vitiello, who is the founder and owner of the Expat Parenting Collective (where they help parents out of survival mode and into enjoying all that is beautiful about expat life).
She’s been an expat since 2010, an expat parent since 2018, has lived in 4 countries on 3 different continents and traveled to almost 40. Angela is the mom of two beautiful third culture kids and knows first-hand that expat parenthood can be challenging, and that we don’t have to do it alone.
So let’s hear from her how raising third culture kids can be made easier:
What exactly is a third-culture kid, and how would you define this experience?
For the context of this article, a third culture kid (widely known as TCK) is a child who grows up outside of one or both of their parent’s culture. Neither growing up 100% in the culture where the parents were born or the culture where they were raised, they often need to create their own culture.
It’s a beautiful gift with many benefits that nevertheless has its challenges. However, as the benefits and challenges change per each stage in a child’s life, we’re going to focus on children below the age of 10.
Can you share your own experience or journey with third-culture kids? How did you become an expert in this field?
As a high school educator in NYC, I was teaching some TCKs, then I soon moved to South Korea. As an expat, I started to meet more and more until I once again found myself in a high school classroom in Brussels and surrounded by TCKs.
This encouraged me to dig deeper so I could best help them with the beautiful TCK world that comes with its unique challenges. Now, I’m the proud mom of 2 beautiful TCKs and employing similar strategies with them.
How does growing up between multiple cultures impact a child’s sense of identity and belonging?
More often than not, if TCKs have spent their whole lives moving, this is a way of life. It’s all they’ve ever known. They are filled with diverse and rich experiences. The main question that comes to us is where they fit into it all.
In the book Third Culture Kid, Barbara H. Knuckles describes a child’s personal identity being formed through family, community and place.
Although change may be a bit scary, because these three create reliability and a sense of feeling rooted, children feel safe to put themselves out there.
However, like all other children, there is also the aspect that “children look at each one of these and see how each of these define them.” The only difference with TCKs, place and community may not remain steady (and as they enter different stages of their life (e.g. adolescence), some of these become more important).¹
What are some strategies parents can use to help their children feel rooted, even if they don’t have a single “home” culture? Some of these strategies to help your TCKs stay rooted may not surprise you, yet others may.
The first tip is to ask yourself: how strong is your bond with your partner? If you and your partner are on the same page, respect and love each other, have conversations in which sometimes there’s a need for argument and repair, this already signals a true comfort to the TCK. A solid foundation among parental figures make TCKs feel they have their three basic needs (especially for children under the age of 7) of safety, love and belonging. This is how our children form their primary imprint of identity.
Next, do your children feel that you are curious about their life, feelings, thoughts, and concerns? This is so important because if you’re moving to a new country, there will be questions and concerns about the move. If you’re already living in a third culture, an open dialogue goes a long way to helping to carry on traditions from the parents’ culture(s) and creating new rituals and traditions from the host culture. This open dialogue is also very important, as when children are worried or uncomfortable with something, it is even more imperative, due to numerous cultural contexts and potential worries to job assignments, investments, diplomatic issues or otherwise. Therefore, I guess the ultimate tip to stay rooted is to know your children: see them, hear them, know them, ask them questions about their life and be curious about their input.
Above all, include them in the brainstorming process, if another move is pending or in the works. They may not have a direct say, yet allowing them to be seen, heard and know, this allows them to not be left in the dark (which is a huge deposit into the bank accounts of TCKs).
How can parents help their kids embrace all aspects of their cultural heritage without feeling fragmented or confused?
Parents can help their children by starting to tell stories from a very young age and share moments (about their cultural heritage). This sharing of rituals, traditions and moments, can allow your child(ren) to see how much this means to you.
If TCKs have lived in this country since birth, then this will just seem normal to them. Naturally, if there’s space for it, your children will ask questions, as this is something different from what’s around them. If this is continuously fostered, most children will embrace all of it without feeling fragmented or confused. Some other tips to help embrace all aspects of the cultural heritage as well as local culture: First, introduce culture early in any means possible or age appropriate.
One way to include this is reading a story before bed. Here are some of my favorite books for kids:
Diversity: All are Welcome by Alexandra Penfold and Suzanne Kaufman
Adversity: We’re Going on a Bear Hunt by Michael Rosen & Helen Oxenbury
Being different/moving: The Name Jar by Yangsook Choi
Second, introduce your kids to other third culture kids. This could be done via the school your children go to or via cultural education (provided by most embassies or Ministries of Foreign Affairs/Cultural Institutes). Lastly, Facebook (or just searching on Google) can be a great connector of people who live abroad, and you can find every possible group imaginable.
One of those groups can be expat moms, third culture kids living in (fill in the blank), French (for example) speakers in (name a country), etc. Find your community and allow the kids to play together. All of these examples allow children to connect with those who are just like them, while connecting with one piece of their cultural puzzle. If your child does feel fragmented or confused, it’s important to hold space for this. Avoiding it will cause it to grow larger and larger, as what you resist, persists.
Have conversations with your child about what it is that makes them feel fragmented or confused. Dive into what emotions come to the surface about all of this. See if your child has suggestions on how (s)he can come to peace or solve or assist these feelings. Sometimes grief just needs to be seen and heard.
Other times, creating a ritual with your child to reflect on something that is missing or lost, can be enough to help plant a seed of closure. If that doesn’t help and you want to do more, you can work with a therapist or psychologist specialized in expats, cross-cultures or third culture kids.
Are there specific books, tools, or resources you would recommend to parents raising third-culture kids?
As you may have already realized, the most important thing for parents raising third culture kids is to keep lines of communication open.
Therefore, my favorite tool is Conversation Cards for Moving Families from Wings and Wonder. These are sold on Etsy and are super helpful in guiding the conversation across a variety of themes.
Don’t be surprised if the cards help you and your partner with what you’re struggling with, in a move or having already moved. Lastly, the best book out there is Third Culture Kids by Pollock, Van Reken & Pollock.
What can parents do to help third-culture kids who may feel “different” from their peers and struggle with identity? How can third-culture kids celebrate their unique upbringing, and how can parents foster this appreciation?
Aside from the suggestions given previously, parents can help their TCKs who struggle with identity by first educating them on what it is to be a third culture kid. Sometimes, just knowing how they are special, can help immensely.
Next, it’s important that TCKs are connected to their roots (as much as the host culture). By celebrating holidays, rituals, customs, speaking the language, connecting with relatives back home and visiting when possible, this fosters a sense of community and identity with part of who they are.
Lastly, many of us may say that home is where the heart is, which is interesting for TCKs, as the heart usually connects with warmth and connection. For TCKs, they associate home more with people than place, and that often means other TCKs or TCK communities.
Anything else you would like to share that parents should know?
When a family moves abroad or is living away from their village (aka home culture), the family vibe is so important, especially between parents. Both partners need to be on the same page or resentment builds. Children can sense this maybe even before the other partner does (or wants to).
Therefore, do not forget how important it is to remain connected with your partner. My biggest (and simplest) tip to my clients is to set a time every week to check in with each other or talk about your values, boundaries and fears about a potential move or just about the everyday life in a country without your support system. Your children will thank you for it.
Thanks Angela!
Sources: ¹Pollock, David C., Van Reken, Ruth E. & Pollock, Michael V. “Why Cross-Cultural Mobility During Childhood Matters.”
Third Culture Kids: Growing up Among Worlds, Third Edition, pages 108-109. London: Nicholas Brealey Publishing, 2017.
