"It takes a village to raise a child." This African proverb accurately describes that raising a child was never supposed to be done by one or two people only.
The reality is that it is very ok to ask for help and it is also very ok to accept the help that is being offered. Because there is nothing bad or negative about it, despite what we often think.
Still, often we find it hard to ask for help or accept it.
Katerina Koukaki, who has two kids and provides postpartum support to Berlin families as a trained doula, shares her insights with us.
Why is it hard for many mothers and fathers to ask for help or accept it?
The number one reason is that we are raised in a way that we should be self-efficient and independent. We often think that asking for help makes us appear weak. There’s a common belief in Western societies that we should be managing everything on our own and should not ask for help. But the truth is: we should not be managing everything on our own – it’s not human, it’s overwhelming, it takes the joy away and it doesn’t leave you space to breathe and enjoy.
Then there is the fear of being a burden. There is this impression that everyone is super busy and has already enough on their plate, so asking for help would add more stress on them. You might be surprised to find out that many people around you can find time and space to support you. And they would gladly do it.
Fear of rejection. What if you ask for help and you get rejected? It is an uncomfortable situation, that’s true. But if you get rejected, nothing changes: you asked for support, you didn’t get it, you move forward. And you might realize it helps you set boundaries with some people.
Fear of losing control. Such a big topic. Often, we want things to be done in a certain way: our way. But one thing that comes with parenthood, among others, is flexibility. So, you might discover that there are more ways to do one thing and the important thing is: for the thing to be done. So, focusing on the result rather than the way to get there might be a wise choice at this busy stage of your life.
Feeling that we have no one to ask. While this might be true if you are an international new parent who doesn’t yet have a social circle, nowadays with social media, you can probably connect with other parents in similar situations, even virtually if you don’t live in the same place. Having someone to talk to, someone who is facing similar challenges, gives us a feeling of belonging and connection and helps us feel less lonely.
How you can work towards making asking for help easier for you?
Here are some tips about efficient ways to ask for help:
Be open and honest: Talk openly about your feelings with the people that are trustworthy and close to you. It’s not shameful to say that you are struggling with something or that you are feeling overwhelmed.
Plan ahead if possible. You might have a doctor’s appointment and you think it will be difficult to have your baby with you, communicate that in advance and see who can stay with your baby. Give the person who will help you as much information as possible: “Tomorrow morning at 10:00 I have to go to the doctor. Can you stay with the baby from 9:30 till 11:30?”
Express your needs clearly and use “I” statements. For example: “I need help with cooking” or “I need help with the groceries” etc.
Say directly what you need: “I need a nap; can you please stay with the baby while I am sleeping?”
Set a time limit and ask: “Can you take the baby for a walk in the park for one hour, I really need some time off”. Or “I need an uninterrupted, long, relaxing shower for thirty minutes. Can you please keep the baby busy during this time?”
Like that, you communicate clearly what you need, what your feelings are and you are actually asking a specific question, the other person can reply to.
The worst scenario is that the other person will say no. “No, I can’t do it today, but how about tomorrow?”.
If we never ask for help, we never give other people the opportunity to be by our side and we will never educate the next generations, our children, to learn that asking and accepting help is human, necessary and natural!
So let's go ask for help – for ourselves and for our kids.
Thanks, Katerina!
For practical tips on how to get support as a new family in Berlin, check out our article "Postpartum Support for New Families in Germany".
