Becoming a parent is an exciting life event. However, many parents and parents-to-be feel lonely on their journey and lack a community to support them.
In fact, feeling connected to a community is one of the most important factors for health and happiness, according to a long term study conducted by Harvard University. This certainly applies to parenthood as well, where new and expecting parents are faced with so many new challenges and decisions, but oftentimes lack the support network to share the demands (as well as the joys!) of becoming a family.
Evita Varela is a Berlin-based doula and neuroscientist, who is studying and witnessing the healing power of communities. Evita is a certified full-spectrum doula and MotherCircle facilitator. She has lived in four countries and has participated in community-building in all of them. She is mother to a 4-year old daughter and she experiences the joys and challenges of living in a multicultural and multilingual family.
Follow Evita on Instagram for her insights into having an autonomous birth, decision-making led by evidence-based criteria, birth trauma, healing and growth.
Why has it come to this “loneliness epidemic”? How are today’s family structures different from earlier generations, and what implications does this have?
Τhe family structure in the Western world has transformed radically within the last century. The role of extended family and community weakened, while the importance of the nuclear family far increased. Most of us do not live in the same house or building with the grandparents of our kids or with our extended family, so we often lack this natural support network which humanity has utilized since the beginning of our species.
Also, more than half of the world’s population today lives in cities where life is busier and where physical distance to friends and family is greater, so the opportunities to meet are slighter.
Finally, the geographical mobility of the population requires people to build new social networks with each new move. It takes time and energy to build this community and unfortunately people are pushed to deprioritize it. We are led to believe we should be able to do parenting all alone within our nuclear family all the while prioritizing our jobs as well. We often do not affirm we deserve to rely on and rest within the community if we haven’t dealt with our ‘to-do’ list.
What is it about community that can help new and expecting parents strive?
As humans we are relational beings. Feeling and knowing that we share the same experiences, worries and joyful moments strengthens our sense of belonging and roots us in our being.
The confirmation that parenting is hard and demanding, along with an embrace and a useful tip from a fellow parent can go a long way and we will dearly remember such moments of connection for many years.
As we are ushered into parenthood, we need an extended period of rest (30 to 45 days), nourishment, loving therapeutic touch, contact with a wise circle that offers spiritual companionship and contact with nature. These are the five universal postpartum needs and they can only be fulfilled through community.
Learn more about these five universal postpartum needs in our Kietzee Instagram LIVE about “How to prepare for the fourth trimester” with another Berlin-based doula, Shanay Rocker.
How can community help heal trauma related to pregnancy, birth or the postpartum period?
There’s an alchemy that happens once our trauma is brought into light and witnessed in a safe space.
Community helps us feel seen, accepted, nurtured and offers perspective on our current situation.
It often helps us come out of our head and into our body, thus regulating ourselves easier. Through talking with people who care, we can reach to the core of our experience and distill the teachings that this holds for us.
Parenthood shifts our whole identity and it can be hard for our immediate family to hold space for our transformation and nurture us. Our extended family has an emotional history with us and may often lack neutrality or may overstep and fall into the trap of judgment.
So, by expanding our notion of who can hold and support us, we can develop deeper and more nourishing relationships. We might be hesitant to look for support in strangers, but often those will become our most substantial and strong support network, that provides compassion and deep insights.
As for my experience, it has been an enormous blessing to talk about my traumatic birth during our doula immersion training (held by Camalo Gaskin), within MotherCircle (facilitated by Kimberly Ann Johnson and Jessica Connolly) and on my Instagram page. These sharings helped me not only heal my wounds, but also gain strength, inspiration and momentum to accompany families in the same path of healing.
When is a good time to build your parent community?
I would say ‘the earlier, the better’. Having a fellow expecting mother or father in your neighborhood to go for a walk or coffee with, identify with and discuss your worries, joys and plans with, can be really beneficial during pregnancy.
Moreover, you can seek the guidance of more experienced parents while you are expecting your child. This will help you better identify your needs, envision your birth and choose a birth space where you feel secure (may it be a hospital, birth center or your home), plan your postpartum time so that it’s a nurturing time (ask friends and family for some meals or housework help) and so much more.
Where can new and expectant international parents in Germany find support and community?
Kietzee offers a multitude of meetups and activities for parents and babies and is a beautiful start to building your community as a new family, especially as an expat.
Afloat is a great association offering online and in-person (in Frankfurt and Heidelberg) support discussion groups for new and expecting parents.
SuperMamas connect mothers in the same area in a way that a new mum can be offered emotional and practical support by a more seasoned mum.
Mello app offers opportunities for connecting families and some activities.
If your German is good enough, you can check out the web page of your local Familienzentrum (family center) for classes during pregnancy, activities together with your baby or your kid up to 6-years-old.
There are also a few family centers that host activities in languages other than German – you can check out Kietzee’s lists of activities for families in Berlin in English and activities for families in Berlin in Spanish (more languages to come!)
Finally, don’t hesitate to start up conversations in whichever class you might be able to attend (Rückbildung, mother-baby yoga), at an Eltern Kind café or even at the playground. Many friendships that blossomed have started this way.
Thanks Evita!
Sources:
U.S. Department of Health and Human Service: "New Surgeon General Advisory Raises Alarm about the Devastating Impact of the Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation in the United States" The Guardian: "Loneliness is a struggle for new parents – can we all stop pretending everything’s ok?"
The Harvard Gazette: "Good genes are nice, but joy is better"
Kimberly Ann Johnson: "The Fourth Trimester" (book recommendation if you're interested in reading about the five universal postpartum needs)
