Having a baby is an exciting adventure. Doing so abroad makes it even more thrilling but also daunting at times. From different cultural norms, to paperwork and processes, Kietzee community members share their experience of what it’s like to have a baby in Germany and raise a child in a foreign country.
In this edition, we hear from expat parent and advocate Seetal Savla, who hails from the UK and has been calling Germany (and Berlin specifically) home since late 2020.
Seetal previously shared her fertility journey with us. Today, we are talking about paperwork, playground, language and cultural festivities. Seetal is mom to a daughter born in 2022, a freelance writer and fertility patient advocate.
What have been your biggest challenges in becoming and being a parent in a foreign country? Let’s start with your pregnancy and giving birth in Germany.
The biggest challenge I faced at first was coping with being pregnant after loss. Seeing the same gynaecologist who supported me through my miscarriage was both comforting and triggering. However, knowing that I could visit the clinic whenever I wanted to be scanned to reassure myself that everything was on track helped to calm my fears and anxieties.
Once I started to embrace my pregnancy, the next hurdle was trying to make sense of the German healthcare system. At the time, my German was very limited, so finding a hospital, for example, felt like a mammoth task (I’ll never forget sitting through a two-hour open evening presentation and barely understanding a thing!). Having to find my own midwife was also a surprise because I would’ve just been assigned one in the UK.
What about the postpartum period in Germany?
While I have no complaints about the medical care I received prior to and during the birth, I can’t say the same about my post-birth experience.
Following a C-section, I needed assistance with lifting my baby out of the cot, changing her and feeding her. Unfortunately, my husband wasn’t allowed to stay overnight due to Covid regulations, so I had to rely on an understaffed team to help me. On my first night, I was scolded by a nurse for not breastfeeding, something I couldn’t do as my milk hadn’t come in yet. She didn’t believe me, and without asking my permission, she squeezed my nipples hard to prove it. I was so shocked and upset that I couldn’t speak to defend myself. I later lodged a formal complaint against her, and also because there was no lactation consultant available during my week-long stay.
My fourth trimester was also very difficult because I didn’t know where to find postpartum support. Although I had completed an antenatal course, it was online and no-one had stayed in touch. After a discouraging visit to my local Familienzentrum, I found English-speaking classes and groups around the city and started meeting other parents with babies of a similar age. These sessions boosted my confidence and enabled us to swap stories and offer solidarity.
Anything else you struggled with as an international parent in Germany?
Oh yes: All the baby-related paperwork! During pregnancy, this was all the baby paperwork I had to submit to my employer and health insurance company.
Actually, that was good practice for the post-baby admin, such as applying for Elterngeld and Kindergeld.
Instead of climbing this mountain solo, I wish I had sought professional advice about how to approach these complicated applications - even my German friends were flummoxed by them!
Kietzee expert Elodie Roux has helped thousands of families with baby paperwork, including Elterngeld and Kindergeld. Learn more about how Elodie can help.
Even if people don’t want or need this service, I recommend filling in the forms and gathering the necessary supporting documents before the baby arrives to avoid adding more stress to an already stressful situation.
Another struggle is my daughter growing up detached from our/her cultural roots. Neither my husband nor I are religious, but we did celebrate certain events when we lived in the UK, such as Diwali and Navrati (a nine-day dance festival).
We both have happy memories of these occasions, which she won’t be able to create while we live in Berlin. Although there is a growing Indian community here, we aren’t really part of it, so I do worry about how this will impact her sense of cultural identity when she’s older.
If you want to learn more, read our article about raising “third culture kids”.
But also: what do you appreciate most about being an international parent in Germany?
I love this question! As a language enthusiast (I also speak fluent French), I’m delighted that my daughter is learning German from such a young age.
She is exposed to three languages on a daily basis (German at Kita, French with me and English with her Papa) and is already starting to distinguish them and switch between them. It’s absolutely fascinating to witness! To keep up with her, I recently completed an intensive German course and was surprised by how much I enjoyed it. We now sing nursery rhymes together, which is so much fun!
I’m also very grateful that Kita costs are (almost) fully covered in Berlin. The cost of childcare in the UK right now, particularly in London, is extortionate, which means that many mothers either can’t afford to go back to work or are barely breaking even after the monthly payments. We were lucky to grab a spot at our Kita because they are not all equal. In addition to having a brilliant team, the premises include a large private garden where the children can roam around safely. They even have on-site hens!
Speaking of this incredible private garden, I appreciate the sheer number of outdoor playgrounds in Berlin, most of which are built on sand and have plenty of natural wooden structures instead of garish plastic ones.
From a very early age, children here are encouraged to play outside, take risks (albeit with parental support!), get dirty and explore the environment. There are very few indoor play areas around (although this is slowly changing - maybe this is due to expat influence?).
In contrast, British parents seem more reluctant to let their children roam so freely, preferring enclosed spaces such as soft play centres. The weather is comparable in both countries, but the difference is that Germans don’t let it deter them. One of my favourite sayings is, ‘Es gibt kein schlechtes Wetter, nur schlechte Kleidung’ (translation: there’s no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothing)!
Finally, I love being able to introduce my daughter to another culture. As long as we live in Berlin, she will be taking part in German traditions and festivals, such as Fasching and Laternenfest. All this experience will hopefully make her a more tolerant, broad-minded person.
Thanks Seetal!
