Have you ever experienced scary or intrusive thoughts about something bad happening to you or a loved one? While intrusive thoughts are quite common, they can be particularly scary during vulnerable times, including pregnancy and parenthood.
Today, we’re fortunate to hear about that topic from Margarita Koleva, a psychologist dedicated to helping mothers navigate the complex emotional landscape of parenthood. Through her work with Momsanity, a startup focused on postpartum mental health, and her podcast "The Colours of Parenthood," Margarita gives us insights into the real, raw, and often untold stories of parenthood.
So let’s dig into this topic of intrusive thoughts and start with a general overview:
Intrusive thoughts represent our anxiety, worries, and automatic thoughts. And, they can happen to anyone at any time. Even though experiencing intrusive thoughts is a common phenomenon, that doesn’t make it less uncomfortable or frustrating.
Let’s look at what this may look like during pregnancy or with a new baby – and what we can do about it:
What kind of scary and intrusive thoughts may pop into a new parent's or pregnant person's head? What are some examples?
In the early stages of motherhood, moms are still processing their transformation from just being a woman, to a mother as well. With this process, a lot of uncomfortable and uncertain feelings could arise.
Considering this, being under pressure and stress, we are more prone to worry about irrational scenarios. This is when intrusive thoughts come in.
Some examples of intrusive thoughts by new or expecting parents are:
What if I drop the baby?
Would the baby be better off without me?
What if I drove off with the baby?
What if I’m missing a serious sign of illness?
What if I hurt my baby while I’m asleep?
What if my baby stops breathing in the middle of the night
It should be noted that intrusive thoughts are quite common during pregnancy as well.
They can be viewed as an obsession over the possibility of your baby getting hurt by you or external factors.
Some examples of this scenario:
What if my baby is stillborn?
What if I miscarry?
What if I have an emergency C-section?
What if I fall and hurt the baby?
What if I take the wrong medication?
What if I get in a car accident?
What may cause these scary and intrusive thoughts to appear?
Intrusive thoughts are not uncommon and are actually considered a norm. However, even if many of us are experiencing it, that doesn’t make them less frustrating and scary.
So why do they appear? Well, if we consider why anxiety appears overall, it stems from our thoughts about something bad or dangerous happening.
We worry about all the worst-case scenarios that can happen, which triggers our anxiety, which makes our bodies aroused and ready for action.
If we think about it, those thoughts are there to protect us and make sure we have a plan if the worst-case scenarios happens.
Of course, it is frustrating, uncomfortable, and anxiety-inducing. However, it’s essential to acknowledge that our intrusive thoughts cannot be stopped just like that. It’s better to change your mindset – from stopping them to managing them.
What is the difference between intrusive and psychotic thoughts?
Now, with the chance of repeating myself, it’s ok to be scared by these thoughts. They can indeed be very scary. Еspecially if they start showing up in the form of vivid images.
When this happens, a mom could start thinking that she’s crazy and she’s experiencing psychotic thinking, which can lead to actions.
But, there is a huge difference between intrusive thoughts and psychotic thoughts.
When you are experiencing psychosis, you could do it because you don’t realize that those thoughts are absurd.
When you understand the absurdity of your thoughts, and you are horrified by them, this is a sign that those thoughts are intrusive, and they do not define your actions/behavior or how good of a parent you are.
Are there any numbers around how many new parents may experience scary and intrusive thoughts?
It is suggested that at least 70% of new moms are experiencing intrusive thoughts. This a huge number, however, not many people express their frustration out loud.
Another feeling that is accompanied by those thoughts is shame.
So, many people won’t share out loud about their intrusive thoughts due to two main reasons: One is because of shame, and the other one is because of this irrational feeling, that if you say your thoughts out loud, they will become real.
What are some of the ways to address (and overcome) these thoughts?
Following my last sentence, if you say your thoughts out loud in an absurd way, for example singing them, you will hear how irrational they are which could help you realize that you will definitely not act upon them.
Another comforting thought is that the reason you are afraid is because those thoughts represent the opposite moral values from yours.
For instance, if a thought about harming your baby didn’t bother you, then it is in line with your (lack of) morals.
So being scared and acknowledging them only shows your moral principles. It means you realize that something is not right with them because they do not represent the person you are.
What is your main piece of advice for new and expecting parents?
You are not your thoughts! This is an essential takeaway for anyone who is reading this.
Our thoughts do not represent our actions, desires, dreams.
And for anyone out there who feels ashamed of their thoughts, or perceives themselves as a bad parent, or a bad person, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Thoughts do not control your actions.
Thanks, Margarita!
Sources:
Mason, K. A. (2022). Blenders, hammers, and knives: postpartum intrusive thoughts and unthinkable motherhood. Anthropology and humanism, 47(1), 117-132.
